How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
did i just pee glitter
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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