A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
