OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think your dad took our porno
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
