I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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