somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
