The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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