my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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