Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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