Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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