somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I will pee on everything he values.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
