dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
