The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
