My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
