the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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