Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
