Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
