I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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