you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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