you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
