you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
