Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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