my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
