The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
