i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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