I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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