I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
