i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
