just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
