at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
