Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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