i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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