ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
