My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
