You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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