i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
