The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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