I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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