Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
