Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
