i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
