maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
