You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
