Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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