he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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