I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
