Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
