did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
