just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
