We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
