Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
