just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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