I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
